After my divorce in 2010 I thought everything in my life would just magically fall into place. It didn’t. In fact, it got worse. Although I was happy to be out of my marriage, I couldn’t seem to find my way back to being productive, successful, and happy. Truth is I was depressed more than I realized. And it seemed like no matter what I tried, failed which made me more depressed.
I kept up the good appearance of working through things just fine but I isolated myself most of the time with the excuse that I didn’t have the money to do things or spend time with friends. It was true I was broke but there’s plenty you can do that doesn’t cost a dime and puts you in contact with positive people, like volunteer.
I meditated, attended a spiritual community I love and read books on personal growth and spirituality which all helped, yet I couldn’t seem to get past my fear. You see I’ve lived most of my life in fear. Afraid of really going for it at work, in relationships, always settling because deep down I didn’t think I deserved what I really desired.
It took me breaking open to break free. What do I mean by breaking open? I mean losing just about everything, having to borrow money to live, having my heart shredded to pieces by a man I loved, having every fear and false belief I’d held about myself come to the surface so I had to face them, feel it and free it.
It was emotional pain so deep like every bit of hurt and anger I’d ever felt came exploding like a volcano to the surface of my being at once. It was a lifetime of shame, sorrow and belief that I didn’t matter, in order to be loved I had to hide who I really was not ask for what I wanted or needed, that I first needed to please and take care of others before I could be loved and valued.
Yet at the same time it was freeing. Freeing in that I could finally see my fear for what it was; a long held erroneous belief of being unworthy and unlovable. Finally I was willing to relinquish it so I could allow the truth to begin to settle within me. After a month or so of being in a really dark place, I began to lighten. I knew through this process I was shedding old beliefs, old patterns and I was ready to liberate the fear that had kept me small up until now. In time I began to feel more confident, to embrace my value until I no longer questioned my worthiness, I now know that I am.
It’s not that I don’t ever experience fear, I do. Overwhelm, anger, frustration, procrastination and even anxiety all surface but it doesn’t control me anymore. I don’t freak out and think nothing’s going to work out when I’m now faced with a challenge. Now I know what to do to get back to a place of peace and good solutions don’t come from decisions made in panic. I’m not scared anymore because I’ve realized everything in life is temporary so I’ve learned to appreciate what is present, right here and now. How I feel and react is my choice no matter what’s going on around me. And I have the power to determine the direction I want to take my life.
Am I exactly where I want to be? Not yet. And that’s O.K. because I’m focused on what I’m creating, thankful for what I currently have and trusting of the journey. I’m on my way and who knows what exciting adventures I may experience along the way.
So the moral of this story is in order for you to break free from your fear and the emotional pain holding you hostage, you have to allow it to surface, walk through the fire of your feelings and accept your fear doesn’t define you and be willing to release it and claim the truth of who you are, a magnificent being created in love inherently worthy and deserving of love, health, and abundance. It’s up to you to love, honor and respect yourself first, no one can do that for you.
There’s no other way to the other side, to peace. You can try self medicating with alcohol, drugs, shopping; sex, whatever; the pain and fear you’re suppressing will continue to hold you captive until you give yourself permission to release it. I suppressed mine for years until it erupted like Mt Vesuvius. You don’t have to go down the same path. Allow it to surface, feel it, and free it. It’ll make all the difference in your life.